March 9, 2010
5. some of the crazy
In my experience, it’s harder to blog when things aren’t ok. When life is good, there’s plenty of blog fodder around – but when life isn’t so good it’s hard to think of anything else. Just another casualty of the crazy.
I’m displaying physical symptoms of PTSD. Dramatic, I know. And I haven’t officially been diagnosed, but my Dr thinks it likely that I am suffering from it. And just typing that makes me feel guilty, guilty for wasting her time when really I’m fine, when there are other people that need access to services, when I have nothing to complain about.
It’s exhausting.
I have constant fears for B’s safety. I have graphic images of things that could happen to him, graphic and gruesome and frightening in their detail. Both awake and asleep. And not within the realms of ‘normal’ fears a mother has for her child. Hideous pictures in my head assault me any time of the day or night. I can’t concentrate, usually I have a pretty one track mind and find it easy to complete a task – right now not a chance. I have ringing in my ears. I’m forgetting everything, even the most basic bloody words… All the things I normally DO NOT DO.
It’s embarrassing.
Yes, embarrassing. I am NOT THAT KIND OF PERSON. I feel like shouting it from the rooftops, but realise that it is futile. I don’t want to admit that I’m not ok. I hadn’t even told A the extent to which I’m suffering until we went out for breakfast on Sunday. He is shocked. Ha ha his wife is crazy!
I go back to my GP on Thursday for a referral to a psychologist. I have one last appointment with my therapist and then am moving on from her – mainly because she is so bloody expensive and isn’t covered by my private health insurance, which the psychologist will be. I am not going to take medication for 2 reasons: a) I’m breastfeeding and b) I really don’t want to. Over the years I have taken anti-depressants, and really would like to avoid this at all costs.
I am going to resign from my job. I HATE IT. I hate it SO MUCH. I hate the people I deal with, and for someone in my (management) position I am treated badly, both by my employer and by my clients. It is a source of anxiety for me, I need to be rid of it. Obviously, the money is welcomed, but I just cannot do it any more. I’ll give it a couple of months before I resign, then I’ll do nothing for a bit before finding a nice job, maybe in retail, that I can do and then go home and forget about.
A is freaking out about money, or rather the lack of it. I am too, but I need some time. The only joy I am feeling in my life right now is from my son, and I want to make the most of it whilst I can. He may well be the only child we have, and I need to soak up every single second of his babyhood. If that means we live frugally, well then so be it. We can do that.
—
See? Now I’m feeling all guilty for being dramatic and over the top and I can’t even finish my post detailing all my symptoms. Is that a symptom? It’s exhausting…
—
We’ve committed to doing another IVF cycle. I’ll wean B when he’s one and we’ll take it from there. I just want all this other stuff out of my head by then – past that we’ve no plan. Either it will or it won’t work (obviously) and we’ve got no plans either way. It’s nice to not be so obsessed with plans for a change – years ago I’d have to know exactly what we had planned beyond that cycle. Now, I don’t feel so desperate.
—
As I trudged through the soul-sucking experiences of infertility and recurrent loss, I couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. I’d get frustrated when I read a blogger had achieved their dream of a baby, then still didn’t seem happy.
I am that person. And for that, I am so so so sorry.
crazy heart stuff 
jesspond said,
March 9, 2010 at 4:07 am
Not feeling desperate is wonderful. I am so, so glad for you on that account.
It’s not your fault that you “still don’t seem happy.” It’s not as simple as that–nothing ever is. You know? It’s just NOT. You are happy, I am sure, in many ways now. But who needs help and support in the happy? That’s just an update, it’s not the nitty gritty blogging. It’s ok to have problems even after achieving your dream. Cause it’s not a dream anymore, it’s LIFE, and life is never simple and clean.
I hope you can get through the PTSD stuff. I can’t see how you would NOT have some of that. Don’t feel guilty or bad about it, just deal with it because it is. There’s no need to be ashamed. Seriously.
Onward and upward, my friend. You will be ok.
Meg said,
March 9, 2010 at 12:42 pm
Oh, the fun of the crazy. I know what you mean, I do. The recurrent graphic thoughts of hurt child. For me, it’s part of the ocd streak I have. My sister got it too, as part of her PND.
Medication has helped. She’s on Efexor and BFing, youshould check it out. No shame in ADs. They do a job.
girlh said,
March 9, 2010 at 8:39 pm
i hate that you are feeling this way. but girl. thank you for writing this. 3.5 years after arriving at the “other side” i STILL feel these feelings and thoughts too. this morning finally talked to the dh about it, via IM which is a totally pussy move, but at least it’s out there now. no more hiding it. i’ve just felt so hopeless and at the same time guilty for feeling down at all because LIFE IS GOOD. sigh.
good on you for quitting the job and taking the time to be with b. you will not regret it.
xoxo
SassyCupcakes said,
March 10, 2010 at 5:54 am
That last line is so wrong M. Life is so complicated. You should never feel bad for not being a Cinderella story. You are so much more than that. I hate that you’re having such a hard time, but I understand that the ‘other side’ isn’t all rainbows and lollipops.
I hate that you’re having to deal with this PTSD shit. I can’t imagine how horrible it must be to live with it. I really hope you can find a psychologist that works for you and mate, if you need some drugs to help you get through this please think about it. I know you’re not a crazy person, but you are a person who deserves to feel safe and in control. I get why you don’t want to take them though.
The quitting sounds like a good plan, it’s not worth staying in a job that you hate and I really hope your IVF goes well for you. Either way, I’m glad B means that it’s not as soul consuming and desperate as it can be.
Bea said,
March 10, 2010 at 8:06 am
Look. If you thought it was going to be suddenly happy ever after, you were being naive. You’re not that naive, I’m fairly sure, so, let’s dispense with the guilt for a start. It’s going to take time to come to terms with everything, and help in some form or other, after everything you’ve been through. There’s no deadline to getting over it (reminds me of that onion article – go-getter condenses process of grief to five stages to be back at desk by Monday after wife dies, or something, you get the joke).
It sounds like you’re taking a lot of good steps. Hope you;re starting to feel the benefits.
Bea
My Reality said,
March 11, 2010 at 7:40 pm
Good does not erase bad. So even with the absolute joy that B brings, the bad won’t just go away. You don’t need to apologize for any of it on any level.
Do I think you are crazy? Not at all.
Rosepetal said,
March 12, 2010 at 10:47 am
Hugs M. I also find myself thinking about the terrible things that could happen to Beanie. I don’t know how my parents survived letting me go away to uni when I was 18 for god’s sake!
Don’t underestimate the amount you have been through. It’s okay to not be okay. I hope the psychologist helps.
Joy is coming from a source – B, and hurt is coming from other sources. It’s okay.
sky said,
March 12, 2010 at 1:31 pm
Oh M. Don’t apologize for your feelings. They are what they are.
It would seem, from what you describe, that you may have PPD as well? Shit. No one I know of has been through as much as you have.
You know, I’ve come to realize that knowing how lucky I am and being grateful for my kids… doesn’t necessarily translate to me being happy. It’s something I’m trying to navigate my way through right now. I can’t even find the words to post about it yet.
Bean said,
March 12, 2010 at 5:15 pm
I know others have already said it, but please try not to feel guilty. Parenting is a joy, but it is also hard as hell. And frankly, when you add the baggage that comes with dealing with infertility, the already stressful job of parenting can be made even harder. I couldn’t agree more with what Sky said. You can love your children, you can love being a parent, you can be eternally grateful for just having them, but it doesn’t change the fact that life is about a lot more than that and most babies/kids just are not always easy. I hope the psychologist helps as well as the decision to resign. Sometimes just knowing an end is in sight is enough to help make things more bearable. Take care.
Chickenpig said,
March 12, 2010 at 7:39 pm
Infertility is the gift that keeps on giving, isn’t it? On top of having PTSD or PPD, there is also the constant guilt because you aren’t crazy over the moon happy as other moms seem to be. To say it totally sucks is a complete understatement.
After my twins were born I was a complete wreck. I had terrible nightmares of something bad happening to them. I couldn’t sleep, even though I was exhausted, and I had no appetite because of the anxiety. I couldn’t think straight. It got to the point where my husband would ask me what I wanted for dinner…or when a baby had been fed last..and I would just stand there frozen drawing a complete blank. My OB put me on Zoloft (it was the only one she would prescribe because I was bfeeding) and instead of anxiety I got the shakes and over powering feelings of rage. I didn’t feel like myself, I wasn’t able to enjoy my babies, until nearly 4 months after they were born. This kind of thing is far more common than you realize. Get whatever help you need…but ditch the guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty for 🙂
Kath said,
March 12, 2010 at 9:53 pm
Oh, sweetie, I’m so sad to hear this, and so glad you’re getting help. I had a very brief and terrifying glimpse into what you’re going through — those graphic images assailed me for only seconds at a time — and that was already more than I could handle. It makes me shudder just remembering some of them. So go forth, get help, and skip the guilt. You probably do have PTSD, and you know what? YOU QUALIFY.
Wishing I could give you a big hug, or help you in a practical way. Just please take care of yourself, my dear.
Another Dreamer said,
March 13, 2010 at 2:54 am
You don’t need to apologize- no one has it easy. Many wishes on an easier tomorrow for you.
zoe said,
March 14, 2010 at 4:56 am
You are so wise and sensitive and you are doing your best.
It is not for everybody but I am listening a lot to healing trauma guided imagery.
I love belleruth..naparsteke from health journeys. And it helps me sleep. I rotate through grief and depression and healing trauma and weight loss. I use ear phones as my husband might laugh.
http://www.healthjourneys.com/#
Brenda said,
March 15, 2010 at 1:01 pm
You know, having a live baby doesnt take away all the pain of what we have been through, some days will still be hard, the tears will still flow and the world and its unfairness will still piss you off. Just like being so totally desperate to have a baby doesnt mean you have no right to complain, get grumpy and have days where your house is a mess, your still in your pj’s after lunch and your bub is eating weetbix for dinner!!!!!
It frustrates the shit out of me when IVF Mums are having a crap day and some bright spark pipes up and says ‘well this is what you wanted’. Sure its what we wanted but that doesnt mean that some days are not hard.
And shit, after all you have been through I would think its odd if you were not a little ‘crazy’.
Dont right AD’s off all together. I personally cant see why you would rather not take them lol I AM IN LOVE WITH MINE!!! ha ha
And you can bf while on them and cycles and be pg on them. You might not need them but dont rule them out. See what your Dr thinks.
I think you will love life more once your not at ‘that job’. There is nothing worse than getting up each morning to go to a job you hate. As for the money, you will cope till you find something else. You may even find you dont want to work at all.
Do whats right for you.
Hugs
xxx
niobe said,
March 16, 2010 at 3:19 pm
What you’re feeling is *so* incredibly normal and common. In fact, I bet most people in your situation feel pretty much exactly like you do.
And, honestly, though I know you’ve had bad experiences in the past, ADs can be a lifesaver in this situation. Because post-partum type depression/baby blues/ PTSD/obsessive thoughts often have an actual physical basis (due to fluctuations in hormones, thyroid, whatever) and respond well to ADs. You may have to try a number of different kinds. But it’s very likely that you can find one that will make things better. Maybe not perfect, but better.
Other things to try include (1) vitamin D — lack of vitamin D is strongly linked with depression and (2) omega 3 (fish oil). These really, really do help, so at least give them a try.
*hugs*