February 27, 2010

4. healed?

Posted in drivel at 11:07 am by M

Today, my best best best best best friend in the world told me that she is 10 weeks pregnant.  And for the first time in a very long long time, I felt unadulterated joy.  My heart sang.  I didn’t feel that familiar, dark, twisty feeling in the pit of my gut.  I am so happy. Truly, truly happy…

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February 25, 2010

3. the return

Posted in drivel at 10:49 am by M

*ahem*

Once again, no excuses.  Mum left yesterday after a 3 week stay, so I’ve lost all contact with the real world.  It’s funny, now that she’s gone back I feel more homesick and alone than ever, yet when she’s here she annoys me SO MUCH.

At my last therapy session we talked a lot about how isolated I am, I have no family in this state and whilst I do have friends here, they’re not old friends, the friends that know all the ugly.  And my in laws are in the same state  yet a long way away, and to be honest I feel so disconnected from them.  We have nothing in common, and now that the Boy is here they show little to no interest in me.  Which is ok I suppose, but I suppose having ‘my’ people around would pick up the slack.

Cue mid-life crisis.  A few weeks ago I turned 39 years old.  How the fuck did that happen?  Seriously?  This time next year I will be 40?  I cannot wrap my head around that fact.  I feel exactly the same now as I did 10 years ago, ok a little battered and beaten and definitely many kilograms heavier, but essentially the same.

So, it’s time.  That time.  Time to talk about whether or not we try for more children.  Or pursue the adoption path.  And we have a plan.

Firstly, adoption is off the table until the Boy is at least 2 years old.  Unfortunately, that is the law here in Australia, so by the time he is 2 I’m essentially out of the biological race.  I’ll be going on 41 by then, and that’s the starting point.  For some reason, we aren’t allowed start adoption proceedings until such time as the youngest child is 2.  Stupid stupid stupid stupid.

Last Tuesday I had 2 appointments, one with my RE and one with my obstetrician.  Essentially, I needed for them to tell me  yes or no.  Yes they think I should cycle again, yes I could carry another pregnancy, or no I’m too old and crusty and should count my blessings and saunter off into the sunset.

The vote was unanimous.  They both are encouraging us to try again.

What the FUCK am I thinking?

Stay tuned….