March 26, 2010

6. are you kidding me?

Posted in drivel at 11:58 am by M

Remember my gorgeous friend, the one with the unexpected pregnancy announcement that filled me with joy?

She had her NT scan on Monday – where they discovered identical twins.

Cue: freakout.  (mine, not hers)

I am so terrified for her.  I’m all jumbled and not sure of what to say, I want to urge her to have regular scans, to have her cervix checked, to get a private ob to take care of them all.  She’s decided to use the public system – and did I say I’m freaking out?

That this would happen to her, my totally best friend ever – boggles my mind.  There may be a tiny part of me that feels hard done by (again, as usual) as in ‘she can do it and I couldn’t – twice’,   but the majority of me is terrified.

My question for you is:  do I say something or shut up?  As in, should I suggest the regular scans, etc?  My inclination is to shut up, I really don’t want to be the Voice of Doom, a constant reminder of what can (and did) go so very wrong…

I have my first appointment with a psychologist next month – 15th April.  I’ve spoken to her on the phone and in the few minutes we chatted she sounded fabulous.  My symptoms haven’t lessened, but I feel much better that I know I have a plan in place.

I called my boss on Tuesday morning and told her I’m resigning.  She promised to call me by Thursday, and as it’s now Friday evening and I haven’t heard I’m pretty fucking pissed.  The anxiety this job is giving me is through the roof – and the fact that I’ve now been ignored is insulting.

I’m so glad I’ve made this decision.

I’m heading to WA on Wednesday with Baby Boy to spend Easter with my family.  I can’t wait!  I’m so excited to be around ‘my’ people, my family and friends, my home town.  I’m not looking forward to travelling on my own with an 11 kilo baby – we’ve got a 2.5 hour stopover in Melbourne on the way, I’ve bought one of those little fold up travel strollers that I can take on board with me so we can go for a walk around, but as we fly out at 6am I’m guessing that I’m going to have a pretty tired, cranky baby on my hands.  Oh well, I’m sure that as long as I am armed with LOTS of food, he’ll be happy.

While I’m away A is going to paint the lounge room, chip out the hearth, wire in the speakers, and get the carpet laid.  Can I tell you just how happy I am that I won’t be here for this?  I just do not cope with his home handyman-ness, he creates giant freaking messes everywhere and it does my head in.  I am SO HAPPY that our living area will be complete, 2 and a half years we’ve been living here and A has refused to pay the money to get contractors to do all the work, so the blue swirly carpet has been burning my eyes all this time…

Back from WA on April 10, I may blog whilst I’m away – if not have a safe and Happy Easter, and much love to all!

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March 9, 2010

5. some of the crazy

Posted in drivel at 3:52 am by M

In my experience, it’s harder to blog when things aren’t ok.  When life is good, there’s plenty of blog fodder around – but when life isn’t so good it’s hard to think of anything else.  Just another casualty of the crazy.

I’m displaying physical symptoms of PTSD.  Dramatic, I know.  And I haven’t officially been diagnosed, but my Dr thinks it likely that I am suffering from it.  And just typing that makes me feel guilty, guilty for wasting her time when really I’m fine, when there are other people that need access to services, when I have nothing to complain about.

It’s exhausting.

I have constant fears for B’s safety.  I have graphic images of things that could happen to him, graphic and gruesome and frightening in their detail.  Both awake and asleep.  And not within the realms of ‘normal’ fears a mother has for her child.  Hideous pictures in my head assault me any time of the day or night.  I can’t concentrate, usually I have a pretty one track mind and find it easy to complete a task – right now not a chance.  I have ringing in my ears.  I’m forgetting everything, even the most basic bloody words…  All the things I normally DO NOT DO.

It’s embarrassing.

Yes, embarrassing.  I am NOT THAT KIND OF PERSON.  I feel like shouting it from the rooftops, but realise that it is futile.  I don’t want to admit that I’m not ok.  I hadn’t even told A the extent to which I’m suffering until we went out for breakfast on Sunday.  He is shocked.  Ha ha his wife is crazy!

I go back to my GP on Thursday for a referral to a psychologist.  I have one last appointment with my therapist and then am moving on from her – mainly because she is so bloody expensive and isn’t covered by my private health insurance, which the psychologist will be.  I am not going to take medication for 2 reasons: a) I’m breastfeeding and b) I really don’t want to.  Over the years I have taken anti-depressants, and really would like to avoid this at all costs.

I am going to resign from my job.  I HATE IT.  I hate it SO MUCH.  I hate the people I deal with, and for someone in my (management) position I am treated badly, both by my employer and by my clients.  It is a source of anxiety for me, I need to be rid of it.  Obviously, the money is welcomed, but I just cannot do it any more.  I’ll give it a couple of months before I resign, then I’ll do nothing for a bit before finding a nice job, maybe in retail, that I can do and then go home and forget about.

A is freaking out about money, or rather the lack of it.  I am too, but I need some time.  The only joy I am feeling in my life right now is from my son, and I want to make the most of it whilst I can.  He may well be the only child we have, and I need to soak up every single second of his babyhood.  If that means we live frugally, well then so be it.  We can do that.

See?  Now I’m feeling all guilty for being dramatic and over the top and I can’t even finish my post detailing all my symptoms.  Is that a symptom?  It’s exhausting…

We’ve committed to doing another IVF cycle.  I’ll wean B when he’s one and we’ll take it from there.  I just want all this other stuff out of my head by then – past that we’ve no plan.  Either it will or it won’t work (obviously) and we’ve got no plans either way.  It’s nice to not be so obsessed with plans for a change – years ago I’d have to know exactly what we had planned beyond that cycle.  Now, I don’t feel so desperate.

As I trudged through the soul-sucking experiences of infertility and recurrent loss, I couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I’d get frustrated when I read a blogger had achieved their dream of a baby, then still didn’t seem happy.

I am that person.  And for that, I am so so so sorry.