March 26, 2011

14. Negative

Posted in drivel at 4:20 am by M

Never have I seen a whiter pee stick.  My period is 3 days late (still no sign of it), yet 2 sticks do not lie.  There’s not a hint of a shadow of a line.  It’s over.

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March 24, 2011

13. No test yet

Posted in drivel at 10:43 am by M

In years gone by, if I was at 15dpo without my period I’d be cautiously optimistic.  This time, not so much.  I know that Crinone can delay my period, I know that Ovidrel could be delaying it.  I know too much, yet not enough.  I still haven’t tested.  I can’t.  I have cramps.

I’m scared that I’m not pregnant.  I’m scared that I am pregnant.  I’m scared I’m scared I’m scared of so so so so much…

All I know is, never again will I ever even have the *hope* that I’m pregnant, so I’m holding on for dear life.

March 19, 2011

12. 2ww crazies…

Posted in drivel at 11:17 am by M

Despite the fact that we’ve done IVF over 20 times (yes, really), that I’m 40 years old, that I have a beautiful, healthy boy, that I’ve done this SO MANY freaking times before – the two week wait is fucked.  Seriously fucked.  I know that statistically speaking this is unlikely to work – but there’s that tiny bit of my heart that yearns for it.  That wants another baby so very, very much.  That will break into even a zillion more pieces when it doesn’t work and that chapter of our lives has closed.  We will never have a second child.  Infertility and loss have made me want to add about how happy I am that we have the most AMAZING kid on the planet and we are so blessed, but it still sucks arse.

Crinone.  Bleuch.

Lately I’ve been having daydreams of my 3 children.  My twins (either/or) and B.  Little B with his 2 big sisters or big brother and big sister, sitting in the back seat of the car, grinning at me.    I feel like I’m picking at a scab and making myself hurt.

March 11, 2011

11. Let the crazies begin!

Posted in drivel at 10:58 am by M

Now I’m worried that I have too much invested in this and that I’m going to be devastated when it doesn’t work….

This morning I had one Grade 3 (Grade 4 being the *best*), 6 cell embryo transferred.  Right up until I walked into that room I was feeling rather ambivalent about the whole process, then *whoosh* it all came back.  I really want this.  And this is the one and only chance I’ll ever have to have a 2nd child.  There is no more after this.  There will never be a *surprise* pregnancy, an *oops* baby.  It won’t happen.

I’m obsessing about the embryo.  At day 2 they usually like to see 4 cells, so it’s a little on the quick side.  I’m  not sure if that is good or bad.  Each of my other pregnancies were from Grade 3 embryos, so it definitely can’t be bad.  Of course, I just need to obsess about *something*….

 

March 10, 2011

10. One

Posted in drivel at 10:41 am by M

One embryo.

I’m still gobsmacked, I truly thought with these crappy old eggs we’d yield exactly n0thing.  What we really wanted was a chance, a chance at a 2nd child, a chance at a sibling for the boy.  And the fact that we have this chance is nothing short of amazing.  I’m so very, very grateful.  Let’s hope the damn thing doesn’t collapse before transfer tomorrow morning…

5 years ago today we lost our son & daughter.  Feels like yesterday, feels like forever…

March 9, 2011

9. Two

Posted in drivel at 9:57 am by M

Yes, that would be 2 eggs.  Weird, seeing that after 3 weeks of 600 units of FSH I had 1 follicle measuring at 16mm last Friday.  He found a small follicle that contained an egg, hopefully out of these 2 we’ll end up with 1 embryo for transfer on Friday.

I am sore and exhausted and emotional and over it.  Going back into that theatre for epu caused a reaction in me I was not expecting.  Panic?  Sadness?  Fear?  Bit of everything.  The one thing that was SO SO SO different was the knowing that I have a son, at home, waiting for me…  I almost felt a fraud that I could still have such happiness in my life.

Tomorrow is the 5th anniversary of the loss of our son & daughter.  Let’s hope that the phone call yields something positive…

March 8, 2011

8. *knock knock*

Posted in drivel at 10:48 am by M

Ok, no excuses – blogging mojo has left the building, will attempt to find some motivation to get going again….

Tomorrow I am having my last EVER epu.  That’s it.  Finito.  No more.  EVER.

Since October ’10 this is our 3rd ivf attempt, the first that has even got us to epu.  My eggs, they are shitty.  My FSH, it is through the roof.  My uterus, she is well & truly kaput.  Adenomyosis reigns.  Ugh.  We promised ourselves 2 more goes, foolishly thinking that those 2 more goes would include transfers, obviously the joke is on us.  After 22 days on 600 units of FSH, I have one measly follicle.  One teeny, tiny, sucky, follicle.  Hopefully, that follicle will contain 1 egg.  One decent egg.  Hopefully, that one decent egg will fertilise.  Hopefully hopefully hopefully….

Anyhoo, I’m good.  I’m ok, anyway.  Another loss anniversary of our twins on Thursday – 5 years now.  I constantly struggle with anxiety.  My boy is incredible; every day I look at him and marvel…

The bitterness of infertility and loss is with me always.  I avoid it.  I try not to talk about it, write about it, think about it.

I think it’s time I started to exorcise some ghosts, to become whole again – to carry my pain and begin to channel it positively.  Make sense?

Wish me luck!