March 8, 2011

8. *knock knock*

Posted in drivel at 10:48 am by M

Ok, no excuses – blogging mojo has left the building, will attempt to find some motivation to get going again….

Tomorrow I am having my last EVER epu.  That’s it.  Finito.  No more.  EVER.

Since October ’10 this is our 3rd ivf attempt, the first that has even got us to epu.  My eggs, they are shitty.  My FSH, it is through the roof.  My uterus, she is well & truly kaput.  Adenomyosis reigns.  Ugh.  We promised ourselves 2 more goes, foolishly thinking that those 2 more goes would include transfers, obviously the joke is on us.  After 22 days on 600 units of FSH, I have one measly follicle.  One teeny, tiny, sucky, follicle.  Hopefully, that follicle will contain 1 egg.  One decent egg.  Hopefully, that one decent egg will fertilise.  Hopefully hopefully hopefully….

Anyhoo, I’m good.  I’m ok, anyway.  Another loss anniversary of our twins on Thursday – 5 years now.  I constantly struggle with anxiety.  My boy is incredible; every day I look at him and marvel…

The bitterness of infertility and loss is with me always.  I avoid it.  I try not to talk about it, write about it, think about it.

I think it’s time I started to exorcise some ghosts, to become whole again – to carry my pain and begin to channel it positively.  Make sense?

Wish me luck!

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6 Comments »

  1. Yo-yo Mama said,

    Of course I’ll wish you luck!!

    I have to admit that once I stopped reading about infertility, my ache softened a bit. Not that I don’t think about it constantly, but how can you not smile when your child smiles back at you?

    Sorry to hear your ovaries and being little bitches. I’d love to have mine removed just so I can take a baseball bat to them.

  2. JessPond said,

    Well we’re here if you want to exorcise them on blog!

    Sorry about the IVF attempts. Hard, that.

    Glad B is so wonderful. He really is gorgeous. I’m glad you have him, you deserve a little ray of sunshine, you know?

  3. Hoping only good things for you!!

  4. Sucks about the IVF, really hope you got your one good egg.
    I wish you all the best with your exorcism too. *hug*

  5. dawn said,

    hey meri ann
    thinking of you!! i myself have 2 measly follicles myself this month, both are shit and not even growing lol. that is without drugs though as still natural after miscarraige. that is alooooot of drugs 22 days WOWSER!!
    xoxoxo
    d

  6. g said,

    Hon, I know I am writing this comment entirely out of bloggy order, but I honestly blame myself for not keeping track. I had no idea you’d been brave enough to go back to the land of IVF or that things had been so sucky in that department. Having a living child doesn’t take away the pain of loss or the want for one more, not one bit

    xx


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