March 26, 2011

14. Negative

Posted in drivel at 4:20 am by M

Never have I seen a whiter pee stick.  My period is 3 days late (still no sign of it), yet 2 sticks do not lie.  There’s not a hint of a shadow of a line.  It’s over.


March 24, 2011

13. No test yet

Posted in drivel at 10:43 am by M

In years gone by, if I was at 15dpo without my period I’d be cautiously optimistic.  This time, not so much.  I know that Crinone can delay my period, I know that Ovidrel could be delaying it.  I know too much, yet not enough.  I still haven’t tested.  I can’t.  I have cramps.

I’m scared that I’m not pregnant.  I’m scared that I am pregnant.  I’m scared I’m scared I’m scared of so so so so much…

All I know is, never again will I ever even have the *hope* that I’m pregnant, so I’m holding on for dear life.

March 19, 2011

12. 2ww crazies…

Posted in drivel at 11:17 am by M

Despite the fact that we’ve done IVF over 20 times (yes, really), that I’m 40 years old, that I have a beautiful, healthy boy, that I’ve done this SO MANY freaking times before – the two week wait is fucked.  Seriously fucked.  I know that statistically speaking this is unlikely to work – but there’s that tiny bit of my heart that yearns for it.  That wants another baby so very, very much.  That will break into even a zillion more pieces when it doesn’t work and that chapter of our lives has closed.  We will never have a second child.  Infertility and loss have made me want to add about how happy I am that we have the most AMAZING kid on the planet and we are so blessed, but it still sucks arse.

Crinone.  Bleuch.

Lately I’ve been having daydreams of my 3 children.  My twins (either/or) and B.  Little B with his 2 big sisters or big brother and big sister, sitting in the back seat of the car, grinning at me.    I feel like I’m picking at a scab and making myself hurt.

March 11, 2011

11. Let the crazies begin!

Posted in drivel at 10:58 am by M

Now I’m worried that I have too much invested in this and that I’m going to be devastated when it doesn’t work….

This morning I had one Grade 3 (Grade 4 being the *best*), 6 cell embryo transferred.  Right up until I walked into that room I was feeling rather ambivalent about the whole process, then *whoosh* it all came back.  I really want this.  And this is the one and only chance I’ll ever have to have a 2nd child.  There is no more after this.  There will never be a *surprise* pregnancy, an *oops* baby.  It won’t happen.

I’m obsessing about the embryo.  At day 2 they usually like to see 4 cells, so it’s a little on the quick side.  I’m  not sure if that is good or bad.  Each of my other pregnancies were from Grade 3 embryos, so it definitely can’t be bad.  Of course, I just need to obsess about *something*….


March 10, 2011

10. One

Posted in drivel at 10:41 am by M

One embryo.

I’m still gobsmacked, I truly thought with these crappy old eggs we’d yield exactly n0thing.  What we really wanted was a chance, a chance at a 2nd child, a chance at a sibling for the boy.  And the fact that we have this chance is nothing short of amazing.  I’m so very, very grateful.  Let’s hope the damn thing doesn’t collapse before transfer tomorrow morning…

5 years ago today we lost our son & daughter.  Feels like yesterday, feels like forever…

March 9, 2011

9. Two

Posted in drivel at 9:57 am by M

Yes, that would be 2 eggs.  Weird, seeing that after 3 weeks of 600 units of FSH I had 1 follicle measuring at 16mm last Friday.  He found a small follicle that contained an egg, hopefully out of these 2 we’ll end up with 1 embryo for transfer on Friday.

I am sore and exhausted and emotional and over it.  Going back into that theatre for epu caused a reaction in me I was not expecting.  Panic?  Sadness?  Fear?  Bit of everything.  The one thing that was SO SO SO different was the knowing that I have a son, at home, waiting for me…  I almost felt a fraud that I could still have such happiness in my life.

Tomorrow is the 5th anniversary of the loss of our son & daughter.  Let’s hope that the phone call yields something positive…

March 8, 2011

8. *knock knock*

Posted in drivel at 10:48 am by M

Ok, no excuses – blogging mojo has left the building, will attempt to find some motivation to get going again….

Tomorrow I am having my last EVER epu.  That’s it.  Finito.  No more.  EVER.

Since October ’10 this is our 3rd ivf attempt, the first that has even got us to epu.  My eggs, they are shitty.  My FSH, it is through the roof.  My uterus, she is well & truly kaput.  Adenomyosis reigns.  Ugh.  We promised ourselves 2 more goes, foolishly thinking that those 2 more goes would include transfers, obviously the joke is on us.  After 22 days on 600 units of FSH, I have one measly follicle.  One teeny, tiny, sucky, follicle.  Hopefully, that follicle will contain 1 egg.  One decent egg.  Hopefully, that one decent egg will fertilise.  Hopefully hopefully hopefully….

Anyhoo, I’m good.  I’m ok, anyway.  Another loss anniversary of our twins on Thursday – 5 years now.  I constantly struggle with anxiety.  My boy is incredible; every day I look at him and marvel…

The bitterness of infertility and loss is with me always.  I avoid it.  I try not to talk about it, write about it, think about it.

I think it’s time I started to exorcise some ghosts, to become whole again – to carry my pain and begin to channel it positively.  Make sense?

Wish me luck!

June 12, 2010

7. sheepish return

Posted in drivel at 10:48 am by M

Once again a gentle nudge was needed to bring me back to you! (Thanks Sass!)  Yet again, I apologise.  I lurk, I don’t comment.  I observe.   I stay up to date.  I’m just not ready to participate yet.

A lot has happened since last we spoke;
B and I headed to WA for Easter and had a great time.  Another trip to WA was needed just a few short weeks later when my grandmother passed away at the age of 90.  The 3 of us made the trek and stayed for 4 days, it was so bittersweet – a celebration of a life well-lived, grieving for my last living grandparent.  I’m so very grateful that B and I had spent time with her at Easter.

Of course, there has been ensuing drama.  The will, blah blah blah – and I’m well out of it.  Thankfully, in this instance, I live on the other side of the country.  Money really does bring out the worst in people, doesn’t it?

Therapy is hard.  Seriously hard.  The PTSD has meant we have to revisit a lot of painful, intense stuff that I’d long ago buried.  I’m exhausted emotionally.  I’m not looking after myself physically – all this has to change.  I owe it to myself, I owe it to my son.  Small steps…

B is, as usual, amazing.  A bright, happy baby that just shines.  In 2 short weeks he will be 1 year old.  1!!  I still cannot believe he is mine.  A bout of bronchitis had him unwell for a couple of weeks, triggering all sorts of anxiety in me, but he’s on the other side of it now and back to his normal self.

Thursday was my last day of work.  Yay me!  Seriously, that job has sucked my soul dry and done my freaking head in.  I had to get out and I’m so glad it’s all over.  I’m now set up as an independent contractor and have organised a few jobs here and there to tide me over.  I need my life back and I’m well on my way!!!

So, tell me your news?

March 26, 2010

6. are you kidding me?

Posted in drivel at 11:58 am by M

Remember my gorgeous friend, the one with the unexpected pregnancy announcement that filled me with joy?

She had her NT scan on Monday – where they discovered identical twins.

Cue: freakout.  (mine, not hers)

I am so terrified for her.  I’m all jumbled and not sure of what to say, I want to urge her to have regular scans, to have her cervix checked, to get a private ob to take care of them all.  She’s decided to use the public system – and did I say I’m freaking out?

That this would happen to her, my totally best friend ever – boggles my mind.  There may be a tiny part of me that feels hard done by (again, as usual) as in ‘she can do it and I couldn’t – twice’,   but the majority of me is terrified.

My question for you is:  do I say something or shut up?  As in, should I suggest the regular scans, etc?  My inclination is to shut up, I really don’t want to be the Voice of Doom, a constant reminder of what can (and did) go so very wrong…

I have my first appointment with a psychologist next month – 15th April.  I’ve spoken to her on the phone and in the few minutes we chatted she sounded fabulous.  My symptoms haven’t lessened, but I feel much better that I know I have a plan in place.

I called my boss on Tuesday morning and told her I’m resigning.  She promised to call me by Thursday, and as it’s now Friday evening and I haven’t heard I’m pretty fucking pissed.  The anxiety this job is giving me is through the roof – and the fact that I’ve now been ignored is insulting.

I’m so glad I’ve made this decision.

I’m heading to WA on Wednesday with Baby Boy to spend Easter with my family.  I can’t wait!  I’m so excited to be around ‘my’ people, my family and friends, my home town.  I’m not looking forward to travelling on my own with an 11 kilo baby – we’ve got a 2.5 hour stopover in Melbourne on the way, I’ve bought one of those little fold up travel strollers that I can take on board with me so we can go for a walk around, but as we fly out at 6am I’m guessing that I’m going to have a pretty tired, cranky baby on my hands.  Oh well, I’m sure that as long as I am armed with LOTS of food, he’ll be happy.

While I’m away A is going to paint the lounge room, chip out the hearth, wire in the speakers, and get the carpet laid.  Can I tell you just how happy I am that I won’t be here for this?  I just do not cope with his home handyman-ness, he creates giant freaking messes everywhere and it does my head in.  I am SO HAPPY that our living area will be complete, 2 and a half years we’ve been living here and A has refused to pay the money to get contractors to do all the work, so the blue swirly carpet has been burning my eyes all this time…

Back from WA on April 10, I may blog whilst I’m away – if not have a safe and Happy Easter, and much love to all!

March 9, 2010

5. some of the crazy

Posted in drivel at 3:52 am by M

In my experience, it’s harder to blog when things aren’t ok.  When life is good, there’s plenty of blog fodder around – but when life isn’t so good it’s hard to think of anything else.  Just another casualty of the crazy.

I’m displaying physical symptoms of PTSD.  Dramatic, I know.  And I haven’t officially been diagnosed, but my Dr thinks it likely that I am suffering from it.  And just typing that makes me feel guilty, guilty for wasting her time when really I’m fine, when there are other people that need access to services, when I have nothing to complain about.

It’s exhausting.

I have constant fears for B’s safety.  I have graphic images of things that could happen to him, graphic and gruesome and frightening in their detail.  Both awake and asleep.  And not within the realms of ‘normal’ fears a mother has for her child.  Hideous pictures in my head assault me any time of the day or night.  I can’t concentrate, usually I have a pretty one track mind and find it easy to complete a task – right now not a chance.  I have ringing in my ears.  I’m forgetting everything, even the most basic bloody words…  All the things I normally DO NOT DO.

It’s embarrassing.

Yes, embarrassing.  I am NOT THAT KIND OF PERSON.  I feel like shouting it from the rooftops, but realise that it is futile.  I don’t want to admit that I’m not ok.  I hadn’t even told A the extent to which I’m suffering until we went out for breakfast on Sunday.  He is shocked.  Ha ha his wife is crazy!

I go back to my GP on Thursday for a referral to a psychologist.  I have one last appointment with my therapist and then am moving on from her – mainly because she is so bloody expensive and isn’t covered by my private health insurance, which the psychologist will be.  I am not going to take medication for 2 reasons: a) I’m breastfeeding and b) I really don’t want to.  Over the years I have taken anti-depressants, and really would like to avoid this at all costs.

I am going to resign from my job.  I HATE IT.  I hate it SO MUCH.  I hate the people I deal with, and for someone in my (management) position I am treated badly, both by my employer and by my clients.  It is a source of anxiety for me, I need to be rid of it.  Obviously, the money is welcomed, but I just cannot do it any more.  I’ll give it a couple of months before I resign, then I’ll do nothing for a bit before finding a nice job, maybe in retail, that I can do and then go home and forget about.

A is freaking out about money, or rather the lack of it.  I am too, but I need some time.  The only joy I am feeling in my life right now is from my son, and I want to make the most of it whilst I can.  He may well be the only child we have, and I need to soak up every single second of his babyhood.  If that means we live frugally, well then so be it.  We can do that.

See?  Now I’m feeling all guilty for being dramatic and over the top and I can’t even finish my post detailing all my symptoms.  Is that a symptom?  It’s exhausting…

We’ve committed to doing another IVF cycle.  I’ll wean B when he’s one and we’ll take it from there.  I just want all this other stuff out of my head by then – past that we’ve no plan.  Either it will or it won’t work (obviously) and we’ve got no plans either way.  It’s nice to not be so obsessed with plans for a change – years ago I’d have to know exactly what we had planned beyond that cycle.  Now, I don’t feel so desperate.

As I trudged through the soul-sucking experiences of infertility and recurrent loss, I couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I’d get frustrated when I read a blogger had achieved their dream of a baby, then still didn’t seem happy.

I am that person.  And for that, I am so so so sorry.

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